is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
