You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
