It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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