Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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