how hairy? two words: wookie tits
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
