im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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