Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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