i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
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