It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
