It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I would ride that face into the sunset
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
