At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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