i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
