he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Randomize
