Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Someone stole a lamp last night.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
