apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
My feet surprised me
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