Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
