Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
