For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize