i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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