I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
