The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Randomize
