Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
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