You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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