I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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