So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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