I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Randomize