There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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