Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Randomize
