Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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