life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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