Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
