Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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