my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
He kissed a someone with a penis
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
