I could make wine with my vomit
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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