so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
