I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Send help, water and tortillas.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
