I want you more than these girls want KFC
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Randomize
