Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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