Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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