just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize