I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
