We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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