Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
if only i could text you this smell
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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