fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Randomize
