my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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