You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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