Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
