I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
