It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
