now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
i want to swaddle you in tequila
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
