Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
