Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
