gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
