My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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