i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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