How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize