So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
