I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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