I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
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